People You Must Date (So You Know Who Not to Date)

Posted: September 19, 2012 in Just Stuff, Lifestyle, Summons
Tags: , , , ,


The Collector: He has this heirloom (pouffes, quills, mats) or that from ancestors long dead. Or perhaps he’s the type who prefers to collect keepsakes from each foreign trip he takes, or old movies or old books. (Sorry @Marutsy this is not a sub) It’s creepy at first. Then, once you realize he’s not really stuck in the past, it becomes kind of interesting. After that, hilarity ensues because really, when the chips are down, you guys could make a killing from running a museum on the side.

The Hater: You know that guy who always tweets “F**k you haters!” Who writes “Haters want to steal my joy” etc. on his Facebook wall? And those musicians who… Someone mentioned Durella? Moving on. We all know where haters can go—so how do they hook us?! Let’s discuss.
Hating looks suspiciously like confidence and honesty if you don’t look too closely. And you’ll spend a few minutes being flattered that they like YOU because everyone’s a little bit vain! “You hate most girls, but you think I’m cool?! I must be bionic,” is what you’ll say to yourself—for one hot second. But then you start getting all nervous because you realize the minute you tell him you listened to Usher’s “Separated” like a hundred times that day, he’s going to be judging you and all your choices like a vegan at a slaughterhouse employee BBQ. At the end of this Fuji House of Commotion episode, you remember that you don’t care what he thinks of you, drop the “we need a break” bomb and just watch him watch you not care what he thinks. And then go to a corner of the room where fun has not gone to die and surely the boy will come a’runnin.

The Slacker: I don’t know much, but I do know this: the least-productive person in your group project…will be the least-productive person in your relationship. ‘Nuffsaid.

The Social Media Addict: You don’t even have to go anywhere—the online repartee is enough of a story.
Today: Aw, she posted a hilarious link on your FB wall from that time you talked about Sola & Eric! But she still hasn’t texted you back from a couple days ago … the one with the, “hey, what time did you say you wanted to meet up for the party?” Whatever, guess she’s busy. 
Tomorrow: She re-tweeted your tweet! I guess she thinks you’re pretty funny. Still don’t know what time you’re meeting for the party in question, but ok.
The Next Day: Um, hello re-blogs! She’s used 5 out of your last 7 posts on the Tumblrs. This is cute and all but WHAT time are your meeting up? Have you locked that down yet? You should text again, this is just rude.
The Ensuing Week: You get another 2 links on your FB wall, three retweets and a favorite, plus she’s stopped putting content on her blog and just keeps reposting your stuff. Still no text. Go to the party solo. Dance like a maniac. Enjoy your real, offline life.

The Quote Guy: He think he’s so inspirational that he quotes himself loudly and often. Or worse, he tries to pass Tupac and JayZ quotes off as his own (which is the ultimate betrayal). Or even worse to the ninth power, he delivers platitudes as though he thinks you’ve never heard them before. If his Facebook info page says, “No pain, no gain OR if he ever utters the phrase, “I work hard and play harder,” date him once for the story. Then, throw down a smoke bomb and get out. *evil cackle*

The Picture Taker: And speaking of Facebook… when it comes to Facebook profile pictures, how much is too much? I like to think we all have a little internal alarm that goes off when we see profile pic after profile pic—just her face over and over again, looking straight into the camera. No friends? No group shots? Nothing…but…her face? Nobody, save for MAYBE Channing Tatum, needs that many pictures of themselves on the Internet. And if it doesn’t stop there—as in, there’s a snap of every plate of food she’s ever eaten and her feet on every beach/mall/club/car she’s ever walked into—think of all the work you’ll have to do when you break up. Go out once, and you’ll get enough photo tags to make up a yearbook.

The Over-Toucher: There’s a way to let someone know you’re interested and there’s a way to make everyone around you wish you were never born. Lightly touching his arm while he talks to you? Nice. Coming up behind her and putting both your arms around her neck? Freaks some people out, but no biggie. Picking another person up, covering their eyes to “surprise them” when they’re alone, grabbing their hand so they can’t walk away from you … you know what? Maybe don’t touch at all until you know the person’s boundaries? Let’s go with that.

The Fashion Guy: You know that guy whose shirt has more rhinestuds, screen printing, tiger faces, splatter paint, zippers, epaulets, pockets, laser beams, cherubs, etc.  on it than your whole wardrobe (the ones I like to call Wizkid Ogba branch)? No, not Denrele. Who always thinks he’s better looking than you and preens and primes and makes peacocks look like disinterested swine. Know what?He’s probably gonna judge what you’re wearing. Know that going in. And be ready to be considered as another piece of his ubiquitous fashion accessory collection.

The Fighter: If she’s the first person to turn a verbal argument into Fight Club, it’s gonna get so old, so fast. Introduce her to an Over-Toucher and they can take their inappropriately physical selves somewhere else.

The INC (I Never Chop): Movie at the Palms just because you want to share a warm moment with the new lady, you’ve decided to take her to Cactus for a quick bite later on. Movie’s done, menu’s on your table at Cactus, and you sit there mouth splitting as she orders enough food to feed a small band of refugees. And take out… Well say hello to the INC! The only reason she is in a relationship with you is because she feels she can “bleed you dry”. Like leeches, she will cling to you for every need from a Bold 5 (her papa no dey use phone o) to Brazilian hair to the birthday party bill you have to foot “so her friends know she’s not going out with a broke guy”. One word of advice, don’t feel bad; play your Santa role if you can, then when you tired, get out as fast as reindeers would take Santa to the North Pole.

The Dreamer: Really there’s nothing wrong with dreaming, so long as you wake up and can get to work. But there’s that one guy who’s always up to one new venture or the other, the serial “entrepreneur” who doesn’t “want to work for anyone and will make his own way in life”. He’s good to have around for a while, for he will fill you with enough inspiration to want to pursue some of those dreams you have left to gather cobwebs in the back of your mind. But he’s no different from the INC. He will suck you dry and what will be left at the end is a boulevard of broken dreams…and bitterness. Enjoy the surge of passion and inspiration he brings, but just before he saps your energy, RUN.


  1. Prince Adetomi says:

    Nice one…

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